Finding My Voice After Three Years of Silence

It has been 3 years since my last blog, and I feel nervous getting back into it. Life has CHANGED since I last wrote - I got married and I had my son. The biggest of those changes was definitely having my son. Stepping into motherhood was like stepping into a whole new world. As I try to describe it, the only thing I can liken it to is Lucy finding Narnia. Or maybe the Narnia reference is front and center because I have been reading the series. Anyway, I think you get my point.

For the last year, I have been fighting to feel like my old self again - physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have finally come to realize I don't think I can get 'her' back and maybe I don't even want to. I don't mean this in a self-demeaning way. While there are aspects I want to get back to and continue to work for (i.e., blogging to name an example), becoming a wife and a mother have refined me in ways I never thought possible. In many ways, I am becoming a stronger and better version of myself, and that gives me peace to stop striving for an old self.

Lessons I Have Learned

1. Patience

This is a fruit of the Spirit I don't want to be tested in! In all seriousness, I feel like I grew so much in this area. Having a baby, I had to be patient with my baby and myself. I always felt so ashamed when I lost my patience with my baby. I literally had to remind myself at 3am with a crying newborn who wouldn't sleep that he doesn't know any better. I also had to have A LOT of patience with myself. As someone who wants to excel in all I do and hates being bad at anything, this was very difficult to me. There have been so many defining moments for me where I remember praying for a patience I didn't have or couldn't muster and the Holy Spirit provided me with patience.

2. Dying to Self

One thing that I quickly realized about myself in married life and in motherhood was how selfish I could be. I couldn't just consider my wants and schedule. I have a husband and a son that I need to consider. I don't want you to hear me wrong - there are absolutely essential things in my life that I had to prioritize to fill my cup daily. It made me realize what was the most important things were and that I sometimes had to be creative or flexible to get it in. Here's an example for you: I enjoy working out or running. It really is something that fills my cup and keeps me sane. I had to learn that 20 minutes during nap time was better than nothing. Or that a slower or shorter run with my baby in the running stroller is better than nothing.

3. God loves my baby more than me.

In the first month of postpartum, I had so much fear and anxiety. I was filled with so many new fears and anxious thoughts about being a mom and how to take care of my baby. I would spiral and be a mess. One thing that had brought me peace (and still does) was that God loves my baby more than me. Parenting is too much for me to handle on my own and in my own wisdom. I had to be reliant on God to literally sustain me. The moment I thought I had it figured out, something new would make me anxious or fearful. That phrase is something I remind myself throughout the year and half I have been a mom.

4. Lean on Community

   Being freshly postpartum, one thing that was crucial was my community. My family and friends helped me tremendously and I don't know what I would've done without them. Between my parents and my in-laws, my house was cleaned and organized, my laundry was done, and my baby was well taken care of. My friends kept me sane through it all - they laughed with me, encouraged me, and gave me practical advice for things I wasn't prepared for. Obviously, I can't skip over my amazing husband. He was and still is always ready to hang with our baby so I could have a moment alone, workout, or eat.

God is exceedingly faithful and provided everything I needed throughout motherhood. While this is true for all of life, I experienced it in a completely new way when I became a mom.

Here's to writing more frequently than every three years! :)

Cheers!